Be Careful and Prayerful

Description: A member shares with us this story of warning and caution.

Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Cyber Dating, Member Safety Online & Offline, Scam Warnings
This Post has been viewed 5978 times.
Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 3/23/2003

I have really had a hard time processing this whole experience. I am still in love with this guy. I think about him, I dream about him. I must be crazy. I am in love with the person I met online. He apparently does not exist!!!! You can be anyone you want to be on the internet, and even on the phone. And even fake it for awhile in person. He was the person I had looked for, dreamed about, and prayed for all my life. At least he was to begin with.

It started wonderfully. We absolutely clicked. He sent me a quick message one night. We just started talking like we had always known each other. We talked for 2 hours that first time. I have saved everything he ever sent me. I am a romantic. He was too. It was unbelievable how he and I met and meshed. We had so very many things in common. We seemed to complete each other's sentences and thoughts. I absolutely fell in love with him, even before we met face to face. He said he wanted to win my heart, and he did.

He told me FIRST that he was falling in love with me. Over the next 2 1/2 months we spent HOURS on the phone and talking online. The things he said and wrote were incredible. He sent me flowers and gifts, and CARDS and more cards. I had NEVER had anyone pursue me like that. It was unbelievable. I told him to stop. In fact I wrote and told him he was in love with love and that he was living in the clouds. He assured me that he was very romantic, could live at this level of passion.

I absolutely could not believe that there was someone as sensitive, poetic, and romantic as I was in this world. We seemed to match intensity in so many ways, especially music and poetry and our passion for nature and the out-of-doors. We had, and still have many things in common. We had talked up to 5 hours on the phone one night. His titles of endearment were incredible to me, as I had never been addressed as Darling or Sweetheart. He addressed me by those terms, it was so touching and I just wanted to reciprocate. I was totally smitten with his love and devotion, and was ready to give him all of mine. Yes, I am still in love with him, the one I met online.

I knew allot of things about him and had even talked to people and family members who were close to him, and felt that this was IT. He was THE ONE. And yes, I prayed about this earnestly. I bought a ticket to his state, and flew to meet him.

The first 5 days were just like we had talked and written. Then he turned a switch. Distanced himself, stop saying nice things, calling me Sweetheart. He went back online everyday to talk to someone else, and ignored me...emotionally and personally, except what seemed like he was patronizing me and wanting intimacy for his gratification. The tenderness was gone. One night I even feared for my safety. I then began to understand that this was just a game for him. He just wanted an affair. I thought a Christian of the same denomination, with his occupation, would be a safe person. I thought he was sincere. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, he DID ask me to marry him. He was calling me Mrs.______. Then changed his mind. Only did not have the courage to say it to my face, just suddenly started treating me differently. It was 180-degree turn. I was so blown away. My heart was torn to shreds.

I have learned that just because a person calls himself a Christian, and attends the same church, does not mean he is safe. I have learned that, as you wrote in one of your articles about women who prey on men, it is the reverse as well. Men do it for SEX. I absolutely lost my heart to him. I really thought he was in love with me. Good grief!!! How can I be so naive?

We did not have sex. We were close physically and kinesthetically. I was absolutely head over heals in love with him. I was going to spend the rest of my life loving this person. There was a dark side that seemed to immerge at times and really frightened me. Just things he said and the way he said them. He became very detached emotionally. He was aloof and evasive. Some of it is simply women's intuition. Engaging in dangerous activities and leaving me alone in a potentially dangerous environment where he knew I was uncomfortable and afraid. Also driving at extreme speeds, in slow speed zones, with lots of traffic is terrifying, especially when his children and I are in the car and OUR lives are in danger as well. I tried not to let him know how terrified that I was.

He seemed to change personalities from time to time, not the *split personality* disorder, just really change who he was and his emotions and feelings, from friendly, loving and tender to aggressive and intense, almost as if he was angry, and then very detached and distant. It could happen in the course of the same afternoon. He said one thing and did another. He was definitely NOT who he says he was on line. Just because a profile states he believes in sex AFTER marriage, does not mean it is so, because he admitted to sleeping with other women.

Let's say it was a very painful lesson learned. He toyed with my emotions and my heart, and it has been hurt very deeply. He led me on for his own personal gratification. Being lonely, impressionable and tender hearted, I fell for it. We do not write anymore, although I have sent several things to him. He has not responded. So, I know that it is OVER. It hurts still. I guess the loneliness of living by myself got the best of me.

I am a very intuitive woman, and human behavior is a *hobby* of mine as well as my *job* so when things happen, I can usually read body language very well. When the body and the words are in conflict, you know the body does not lie, when words can.

I learned many lessons from this, and yes, I can thank my Heavenly Father that He protected me, and opened my eyes before I made a horrible mistake. God opens and closes doors, and learning to trust Him more deeply and know that He wants only good for my life has resulted from this experience. I am thankful for what He showed me.

When developing a relationship with Jesus and making Him your best friend is the primary goal in our lives, then when we are conversing with another person, that commitment will come through in such a way that is more than simply rhetoric. You will be able to sense a REAL Presence of God in the other person. I did not listen to God in this. I know that now. Another lesson learned.

I don't want any repercussions or anyone to be hurt in this. That is not my motive. I don't want revenge for anyone, it was just a very painful learning experience, and made me realize how very trustful I was. I was totally blinded. If you can prevent someone else from being hurt and used by relating my experience, then it has served its purpose. Please let women know that they need to be very careful. Stating that you want to become close friends is different than the process of doing just that. This should serve as a warning to other women as well, that men, not just here, cannot be *assumed safe* just because they are in a Christian organization, and have worked there for many years.

Thanks for letting me share this. It has helped to share my experience here with someone who might understand better than I the dynamics of internet dating. I will renew with you eventually. I just need time to heal. I thank God for His mercy and grace and loving care. I pray for this person still everyday. This experience has only served to bring me in closer harmony with Christ, and have a desire to walk with Him, but more so, to listen to Him.

What you do here is a wonderful service, and I know that this is probably an isolated incident. I have a friend who has met someone here and they are very happy, so I know it is possible.