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New for You! Celibacy and the Christian Single
Description: Advice on Avoiding Sexual Contact before Marriage
Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Cyber Dating, Member Surveys
This Post has been viewed 14015 times.
Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 8/27/2003
A member asks:
I just finished reading through the results of the Premartial Sex survey.
I don't have any doubts regarding what the Scriptures say regarding the issue.
What I want advice on, however, is how to communicate appropriately
with dating partners on this topic and then practical and realistic
tips on how to avoid sexual contact.
I'm being honest here. I was married and the mother of two children so
obviously I've had sex. I like it. I miss it AND (not but) I want to live as a
Christian. When I've tried to bring this topic up with Christians I tend to get
very judgemental responses. As if, as a Christian woman, I'm not supposed to have
even any urges or be tempted.
I'm just looking for good solid feedback, tips, and advice from people who are
trying their very best to live and date as Christians, but still have the
nature of a human.
Female - Age Range: 18-20
Have your parent’s fix you up with an arranged marriage and don't meet them until the wedding day. That should help! lol Other than that, I have no advice....
Female - Age Range: 21-30
It's sometimes very hard to learn self control, especially when you've been enjoying the pleasures for some time.
But always keep in mind that what's ahead of you will be a greater pleasure!
I mean greater sex that only God can bless you with.
Let that motivate you!
I only dated a couple of times since I came back to God and they were very brief relationship's.
I realised that it is true that kissing leads to sex.
So I decided not to date.
Why do we need to date?
I think that dating means going the next step and being more affectionate.
Why not wait till you're sure that that person is the one God desires you to be with.
Then tread carefully when you do find that person.
It's the same as with any sin.
Resist the devil and he will flee from you;
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you!
There are no miracle solutions apart from that!
Ask God to take those desires away.
When you get the desire, turn away from it!
Shake it out of your head!
It get's easier every time!
I still sometimes slip but I don't let that discourage me.
I would like to have a topic on doing it yourself because now that I'm safe from doing it with men, I have this temptation to deal with.
For some reason I allow myself to think that it's not as bad if you do it by yourself.
But that's where I'm wrong.
And that's another topic.
Let's all pray for each other and continue to move forward by God's grace.
Female - Age Range: 21-30
>> ... people who are trying their very best to live and date as Christians, but still have the nature of a human.
I don't think Christians can have the human nature and still be Christians. We should have a Spiritual nature instead. I would say that the Spiritual way to cure an addiction to sex is to put your body, mind, and heart into God's hands and ask Him to protect them from 'urges.' He'll honor that request and do this for you.
As far as what to say to dating partners, I think it's good to remember that the goal is not to please your dating partner's appetite for control over you. If you are afraid to tell them that you don't want to have any sexual contact with them, then my dear, they are manipulating your mind and heart: that is how they get to your body.
I believe you should be bluntly, even 'rudely' up-front about it on the phone before your first date. You could set a 7pm limit on your time spent with them, and if they ask why, then tell them that you are not interested in starting a physical relationship with anyone until you are married (& not just engaged). If they can't handle that information when you are just on the phone with them, then don't bother to meet with them on a date in person: they aren't so hot of a Christian in the first place, and in the second, they will only waste your time. If they CAN handle it, then set a second boundary to protect yourself: stay only in public places where interaction is required, the lighting is good, and sex is rarely ever brought up by anyone in the vicinity. A good place to go would be a miniature golf course, for starters. If they try to get you to spend 'alone time' with them, get back into YOUR CAR (always drive yourself, don't ever let them pick you up, as this is how many 'innocent' date rapes by fake 'Christians' happen), and take the scenic route to the local police station if they try to follow you home (stalk you). If they respect the boundary you have placed, and don't try to spend alone time with you, still drive your own car on further dates, but then it is worth it to spend a little more time getting to know them, their friends, family, etc...
Dating isn't like having regular friends. 'Anything goes' doesn't apply if you take relationships seriously. Don't let the world pressure you into thinking that the only way to get or keep a date is to be as 'fun' and 'easy going' (easy) and 'beautiful' (begging for sex) as possible (or impossible). Don't try to impress anyone but yourself and God; not even your date.
Just BE YOURSELF: it pays off in the end, because you are inevitably bound to weed out all the fakes, the financial black holes, the home-wreckers, etc., when you don't happen to 'get along' with them on the first, second, or third date, or even much farther down the road. Know who you are: don't mold yourself to their tastes. If you don't think you are what they are looking for, don't feel responsible for their feelings (pride) getting hurt when you say 'No' to dating them.
Just don't ever think you aren't good enough, or invaluable. If you weren't valuable, Jesus wouldn't have died for you. But He did, and that means that you are worth far more than to be afraid that you aren't good enough as you are; that you aren't valuable enough to protect yourself with some good sense and moral boundaries; that you aren't worth enforcing those boundaries. It's OK to love yourself enough to say no to people who just want someone to use for their own personal gratification: after all, Jesus loves you enough to honor you with His own life. He'll protect you from those who don't like it if you set up some boundaries for them to follow out of respect for you and Him. All you have to do is follow His boundaries for you, and explain them to your dating partners. The boundaries include not staying out late, not going into private areas with your date, driving your own car and not picking them up either, making it clear that kissing is out (because it always progresses from there eventually if not right away, and eventually leads to a couple wishing to have sex), etc. When you put Jesus and His boundaries for you first, at all times, everything will work out just fine because He WILL make it work.
That is the goal: to have Jesus in charge of your entire life, even your love life. Only He can bring true satisfaction and lasting success.
foroneGodlyman:
Female - Age Range: 21-30
'You may use my alias'...Well my best advice is what I do myself as a divorced Christian woman...(1) I let the man I am about to go out with know BEFORE the date that I do not kiss on the first date or at all in the beginning of any new 'friendship'. (2) I make sure to always refer to our relationship as a 'friendship' in which we would respect each other and not get physically close until we have had plenty of time to decided if we should even be more than friends. (3) I never meet a man alone, rather always in a public place for the first several dates. Even after you have gotten to the committed relationship stage there should not be alone time, if you want to avoid sex. Rather there are many ideas to spending time in public and with others to get to know someone. (4) Let your date know after a few dates that you believe in the biblical idea of 'courting' rather than our society's version of casual dating. Research the bible and many other Christian books to gain research as to what this means to you. Not only will this create the right atmosphere to prevent fornication, but this discussion and your strong beliefs expressed outloud is spiritual warfare. Not to mention the intense respect it builds in you and your new friendship.
I actually let the guy know these are my 'rules of dating' and that's just the way it is. I have found that if you stand firm to these two rules for 3-5 dates then you will know if this person is someone who is really right for you or not. Most always the true intentions come out quickly if they are wanting sex soon into the relationship. If there is any pressure to go beyond your 'rules' for that initial period of geting to know each other then you can see this person does not respect and really care for you.
My bottom line is that I believe God created those people who have a strong desire for sex to be married, so we shouldn't waste too much time in the 'dating' stage. I believe that after 6-8 months of dating, if you think that you want to keep dating, it is best to get engaged and go every week to a professional Christian marriage counselor. Why continue to put yourself in a tempting situation for longer than necessary? One year is all that I think is really necessary to 'date' before marriage. The best choice would be to also make a committment to not kiss, on the lips or beyond a 'friendly peck', at all until your wedding day. This 'rule' is bound to prevent physical temptation, because most people don't realize the incredible sensual link between the mouth/kissing and your other sexual feelings. Honestly, take it from someone who has messed up, kissing before marriage is extremely dangerous if you want to remain pure. All Spirit-lead believers can have enough self-control to think of public dates and not be alone for one year without much temptation.
Female - Age Range: 21-30
It's certainly not easy to avoid inappropriate sexual contact. What works for me is to decide between me and God what is and is not OK, define very specific boundaries (making a written covenant/contract with God helps) and then just stick to it without making excuses and exceptions. It's easy to cross lines when you go into a potentially sexually-charged situation thinking, 'Well, I'll just play it by ear and see how it goes.' Sometimes I've not even realized I was crossing lines until later when I thought, 'I really wish I hadn't done that...' Also, when I get into a situation like where things are picking up pace, I try to picture my guardian angel and/or the Holy Spirit there in the room, begging me to guard my body and my heart, as well as the body and heart of the man I'm with. I owe it to my future hubby to keep myself for him alone. And although I've crossed a few lines I now wish I hadn't, I have managed, with God's help, to spare my virginity -- even though I'm knocking on the door of 30!
Female - Age Range: 21-30
Keep the relationship long distance until the wedding date.
Give a back massage, lots of touching in other places besides the genitals.
Go to a lot of public places and go with friends and family.
Spend a lot of time talking on the phone.
Tell them verbally that you love them and give them various gifts.
Read the Bible, pray, and go to church.
Avoid watching too much TV and R rated movies.
Think about how special the wedding night will be if untainted.
Female - Age Range: 21-30
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I WAS MARRIED ALSO AND HAVE A CHILD, BUT WHAT WORKS FOR ME IS TO HAVE ALOT OF ACTIVITIES. FOR EXAMPLE AFTER WORK I USUALLY WORK OUT FOR AN HOUR THEN I HAVE CHOIR PRACTICE OR SOME OTHER ACTIVITY WITH FRIENDS. BY THE TIME I AM DONE WITH ALL OF THESE THINGS AND MY CHILD I AM SO EXHAUSTED. IT REALLY WORKS, BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO MAKE UP IN YOUR MIND THAT YOU WILL NOT DO IT. WHEN THE URGE COMES JUST START PRAYING. I GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT FALL TO TEMPTATION RELY ON GOD AND YOU CANNOT FAIL.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
Charles Stanley has written a wonderful book called 'Winning the War Within' It is described as:
'Victory Over Temptation
Temptation can mean many things to many people. No matter what the source of your temptation, Winning The War Within gives solid principles for victory. This book helps you discover the root of the problem and then equips you for the battle while helping you discover the truths of who you are in Christ and the victory He holds for you.'
I'm reading it now and I feel as though he wrote it just for me. It can be ordered at www.intouch.org.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I am currently dating and getting to know someone. Following our third date, I thought about and established some clear definitions and guidelines of my physical boundaries depending upon the degree of committment. I then shared them with my friend so that he would be aware of them and asked him to help me stick to it. Also, I let him know that I felt I had to do that because I am strongly attracted to him. This way he knows that I am feeling the same frustrations that he is. It also saves on embarassing moments and possible feelings of rejection for both of us. Of course, this is my opinion and how I am handling my situation. I wish you all the best!
Female - Age Range: 31-40
#1 Meet in public places
#2 No kissing
#3 Use safe place such as: church functions,home fellowships, families house, ect.
#4 Always meet, drive seperate cars
#5 Discpline, Discpline, Discpline
luv2ski:
Female - Age Range: 31-40
You may use my alias
Since we are all humans, I believe it is absolutely normal to have feelings of desire and/or attraction to someone we are involved with. Remember, even Jesus was tempted. It’s what we do with that desire that’s the issue. The church I attend instilled in me the importance of protecting not only my purity, but also my date’s. First of all, I would recommend going on double dates (great way to build new friendships with your date and perhaps others from your church) and not being alone together in a situation that might lead to something (e.g. sitting in a parked car alone, being alone in either of your homes, etc.) Also dressing appropriately is important as men are very visual. The Bible says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any impurity...“ Don’t start something you know from past experience that you can’t stop. And the number one thing I would recommend is prayer. Pray before you go out, pray together, and pray for God to protect your purity. As for communicating your convictions, if the person you are involved with is a Christian, then he will respect you and agree to whatever “terms” will help you both to stay pure until marriage.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
This is a very good topic to discuss on a site like this, even if considering dating only Christians. As many Christians today do not see anything wrong with sex before marriage as along as it's with one partner and you are 'in love' and serious with each other! I agree that the scriptures have alot to say about when this practice SHOULD occur! It is the most intimate act between two people and should only be for marriage. I would like to add that I believe that it's not only the actual act of sexual intercourse that one should abstain from, but also heavy petting, oral sex and even sleeping in the same bed and getting very close to each other even when dressed and not naked. I speak these things from experience. Though I've never been married I did make one mistake which I have regretted and since been forgiven by the Lord. Now I am waiting until I get married and have a rule to not even allow a guy to stay over in my home, even in another room/bed. I agree with the person above asking this question, that we are human and these desires can be very strong even for women! So it's best to not even put oneself in a tempting position where sex can occur. Personally I'm very open about what I believe and when I date someone seriously I will share this with them. If they do not agree then they can move on to someone else, for I WILL NOT compromise for anyone! I love my Lord and would not want to hurt Him by doing this with my body! I hope this can help someone else who may feel they are alone in this issue and desires to stay pure. I believe it will be worth the wait and all God wants it to be, when one waits!!!
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I, also am divorced, and have children. I am very honest, and will tell you I miss the tremendously. I have found that I really have to be careful not to put myself in a position that will make it difficult to say 'no'. I realize now that it isn't fair to either dating partner to even be in a situation where you are alone and isolated from the world, where the temptation is most difficult. Avoid watching a movie late at night with the kids asleep. It will be hard to send the cuddly guy home. Go places together you can be alone, but in a crowd, say a busy part to hike in, or a nice restaurant... I think with prayer and discussion on this subject, it can be done... and that you will be blessed for waiting:)
CanSDA:
Female - Age Range: 31-40
You may use my alias.
Choose carefully:
Above all else, get to know him properly before you date him. Choose a partner who is a God-fearing man, so that later he will at least TRY to avoid pre-marital sex. Two cannot walk together unless they agree.
You need to be CONSISTENTLY Christian in his eyes. He will be far more willing to comply with your wishes if he sees Christ in you in every walk of life. If you sin once, ask the Lord to forgive you and FORGIVE YOURSELF. Don't give up trying to live a clean, Christian life.
Communicating on the topic of premarital sex:
You can bet he will bring up the subject of sex long before you are ready to, so think ahead on how you will handle that conversation. YOU have to set the tone for the relationship, bearing in mind that he has a greater struggle than you do. Since you have children, he may assume that he can have you if he wants. Remind him that you had your children when you were married. It's up to you to say no. If you did not have children, he would be likely to first ask, 'Are you a virgin?' You might smile and reply, 'That is classified information! At my age, whether I tell you yes or no you will look at me differently afterwards. So I won’t answer that'. I put that in for the benefit of members without children.
Next time he brings up the subject of the two of you having sex, you might GENTLY tell him of your resolve to remain faithful to the Lord and not engage in pre-marital sex. You could also tell him that you would love him more if you don't have sex... and mean it. He is likely to keep trying, so you need to keep your guard up, and that includes drawing strength from the Holy Spirit. If he seriously persists and will not accept your spiritual reasons for remaining chaste, you should remind him of all the practical, mundane reasons why pre-marital sex is wrong. Some of the reasons might help to stop him in his tracks.
Make sure you're on neutral ground when you talk about it - clothed and in your right mind :) Get up and leave the area if you have to, but don't put yourself in a situation where you could still sin afterwards.
Avoiding sexual contact:
We need to 'guard well the avenues to our souls', ensuring that we do not watch or listen to erotic material, or keep company with questionable characters who would lead us astray.
We need to revive SOME of the precautions that Victorian society took in preventing pre-marital sex. For example, if you are young, develop an appreciation for the benefits of being chaperoned, or double-date. According to Lee Marvin's character in the movie Paint Your Wagon, 'When you start keeping things from your parents, a whole new world will open up to you'. If you let someone else know where you will be and who you will be with before you leave home, that measure of accountability might help to reduce your inclination to get involved in pre-marital sex.
When you are with your beloved at home, stay out of the bedroom as far as possible. If you are in the bedroom, keep the door partially open. That helps to reduce the likelihood that you will engage in sexual activities.
All lovers have their moments of intimacy, but you need to have a very clear idea of what boundaries you will not cross. Don't move those boundaries as you go along.
As a rule, don’t start what you can’t finish: Don’t get into a seriously erotic situation that you know will lead to sex, then try to fool yourself that you can stop whenever you want. If you do stop, the man is likely to suffer the physical pain of what doctors call ‘sexual embarrassment’. Repeated episodes could frustrate him more than he is willing to bear. Don’t be a tease.
Don't stay together too late at night. For example, don't accept any visitors to your home after 10:00 p.m., and ensure that he leaves at a reasonable hour.
The more isolated you are from your friends when you are in a relationship, the more likely it is that you will get into sexual situations. Make sure you get emotional support from your friends. Avoid being too isolated and having too many private moments when you know that you won't be disturbed. Let the sun shine on your relationship.
Get involved in practical activities together, e.g. at church. Build pleasant non-romantic memories doing things that will enrich your lives and your relationship.
Find as many ways as possible to express your love for each other. Sharing a sex act is only one of many ways. We need to revert to good old-fashioned romance. If refraining from sex makes the man believe that you don’t love him, you need to show him in other ways, talk to him about your Christian values or walk away. If having sex is the only acceptable way he sees, you need to find someone who is more spiritual.
Either together or alone, seek counseling from a pastor. But be careful which pastor you talk to if you are already sexually active because some may judge you harshly instead of counseling you and praying with you. I know someone who that happened to. To an innocent couple, condemnation or deep suspicion may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as in the proverb 'As well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb'.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
Please read the book Message to Young people by Ellen G White. Fornincation is something that God does not agree with. I am a single female myself. I have no desier to separate myself from God, which that is what sin does. Of course there is nothing wrong with having those feels, but we must remember that we must take our minds off of self and learn to love christ with all our heart, soul and mind. If we as single weman would allow ourselves to be married to Christ first then we can understand what true life is all about. Be Bless....
Sincerely
Lovelydove
Female - Age Range: 31-40
sex drive is a normal part of life. But if your not married like me it can be very hard. Women have a time of month as im sure you know were it is hard to keep your mind occupied. But God put the sex drive their, so one day you will need it. I know its their and try to ignor it. i have not had sex in a few years. i mean quite a few, 10 to be exact so you will not go mad. Masterbation is a debatable subject. Some say its wrong some say its not. Go with what the bible say and God tells you to do. Sex is bonding. masterbation would then be bonding with yourself or a spirit. this might not have helped at all...
jesusfirst429:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
You may use my alias.
What to do when the person you are with does not understand any part of the word NO:
Just start jumping up and down, screaming really loud, and flapping your arms like a chicken. Then make your way toward the door. Whoever you are with will gladly open the door and let you out.
Other tips on how to avoid sexual contact:
1. Wave hello and goodbye.
2. Don't enjoy your date for any longer than 5 minutes at a time.
3. Take your kids with you on your date as long as they'll sit in the backseat and keep quiet.
4. Force your date to wear fake buck teeth.
5. When the kids are with their dad, stay at home with your mother all night and communicate via phone or computer. (Which is what I am doing right now. And It's SATURDAY NIGHT!) It works every time.
In trying to honor your request for solid feedback:
On the more serious side, make sure you have fun in life. Know that the Lord does love you very much and His love is a sincere love.
I'll bet you loved your husband very much. Spend time with, get and give lots of hugs out to your girlfriends and children. Spend time with them. My children helped me more than anyone else because I knew their love for me was a sincere love. Getting 'love' from adults who are just trying to patronize me makes me feel, well, not loved.
When we ask for prayer in a situation, it is disappointing when the people we share our most intimate problems with don't hit the mark when it's time for them to respond. Most people don't know what to do with their own problems much less the problems of others. They, and we, are at different places in our lives. Don't feel condemned. Romans 8:1 says 'There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.' Read Chapter 7.
One question I have is - who are your dating partners? Some are probably Christians, some are not? One communicates with both the same way. Speak the truth in love. If the guy can't agree with your stance, don't go out with him anymore. You'll feel like you're always in a battle. If he can, you've found a friend.
More realistic ideas:
1.Stay out of compromising situations - you know what they are.
2.Don't listen to a bunch of secular music or secular movies. It'll make you feel like you can't live without him, you gotta have him. Blah, blah, blah. WHATEVER! Just because those people can sing it or act it doesn't mean in real life they are living their lives right or are giving the best example or advice.
3.Then tell the devil to leave you alone in the name of Jesus! Really. Say it! Realize he is out to kill, steal and destroy you and he'll use your 'human nature' to do it. Remember, you are a 'partaker of the nature of God'.
And if the first few suggestions (at the top of my 6000 character limit) don't work, and if you can't find someone to pray with, remember that Jesus is ever making intercession for the saints. I believe the intercession of Jesus involves the salvation of every part of our being. Sometimes I just ask Him to put it on someone's heart to pray for me.
Hey, I'll pray for you. Please pray for me. Keep looking up. You'll make it. :)
Daybreez:
Female - Age Range: 41-50
You may use my alias. Hang in there, girl!!!! We are to 'Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.' I Thess:4. I know it's tough....very. You know, not too long ago on a first 'date' with a man; we went to the mall to walk a little after dinner, before going to a movie. First store he pointed out to me and made a comment on was Victoria's Secret. Next store was a mattress/foundation store...'Would you like to go in and help me choose a new one?' Uh uh!! In todays society, it is not only expected by those who lead secular lifestyles, but christian ones as well. Made me sad....his expectations were not very subtle!
Again.....hang in there!! Yes, it is normal and natural and frustrating all at the same time, to have desires for sex, and not act upon them. We are human and sexual desire is something that, if one is healthy, you are going to have urges; and you definitely will face temptation! It will come on you especially in moments of lonliness. But as most of us here have been married and divorced, therefore having had a sexual life at one time; we know that sex without love is an empty experience afterwards.
Ask God to send people into your life who will hold you accountable.....will listen with love and tenderness and empathy; ones who have experienced these same overwhelming feelings of frustration. Who knows, this might be an opportunity for you to reach out to other divorced and single women who are struggling to follow the guidelines that Christ has set for us in this area! (look in Ephesians 4)
I have also been divorced for many years.....and I do understand and empathize with your feelings. And I'm not going to start quoting scripture to you, because as a christian woman yourself, I'm confident you know several places.....Ephesians, I Corinthians, Romans, Galatians, Philippians, Colassions, II Timothy, Titus, and more. But remember this, my dear sister in Christ:
You are NOT alone! I Corinthians 10: 'No temp-
tation has seized you except what is common to
man. And God is faithful; He will not let you
be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when
you are tempted, He will also provide a way out
so that you can stand up under it.'
Just look at that! '...He will ALSO provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.' You're nature as a human is a gift from HIM. Hang in there, girl!!!!! Find out up front where he stands, and you can do this without hitting someone over the head with it...LOL. In the date I mentioned earlier, it was a friend's brother, whom I didn't properly get to know beforehand. Lesson learned there. Protect your heart, and listen to it......and it will tell you whether this man is making sexual purity a priority along with you...for you both! Many Blessings to You......Debbie
Female - Age Range: 41-50
As a human, a woman, a Christian and a Educator on Relationships, I certainly relate. What I can share, is not only what I learned in my own healing, but what I know professionally. By addressing our past issues regarding what “we” need (and got or didn't get as children) in the form of physical affection, we can work through any unresolved area that compells “us” to pursue physical affection BEFORE emotional intimacy is established. By “emotional” intimacy, and I stress emotional, I mean getting to know someone, develop trust by risking small things first then graduate to bigger and bigger ones if their “actions,” as well as words, have shown they can be trusted. Personally, I discovered in my own healing, that because I was so neglected, both physically and emotionally, as an infant I automatically sought physical affection before anything else and trusting others was very difficult. This did nothing but cause me trouble in relationships. It wasn’t until after I dealt with my abandonment issues that I learned that emotional intimacy must be established first.
Then of course you might ask, “how does one do that?” To begin with, when you meet someone you are attracted to, you do only public things (or depending on your situation with other people) for a while (more than a couple of dates). After you both seem comfortable with each other, and perhaps see other signs that the attraction is mutual and progressing, you could move into a few more personal outings. Perhaps a romantic picnic, where you share “communication” on a deeper level (sharing personal things about oneself is what CREATES emotional intimacy). If you notice the eye contact is more engaging, this too creates a “bonding” effect with another person. THIS, however, is where one might start having stronger attraction feelings and has to be careful how fast it progresses from here. Opening up a dialogue about the new feelings and questioning the other person is not only another step toward emotional intimacy but it will establish whether BOTH people are sharing the feeling. KNOWING how BOTH parties are feeling and making sure the steps are on equal footing is important. If after this time, where feelings have been made known, some fear could also set in due to this kind of declaration because it leaves us feeling vulnerable (since no one knows where it will lead). For this reason I can’t stress enough that COMMUNICATING these fears and feelings “together”, thus bringing them out in the open, will alleviate some of the tension and may actually allow you to laugh at them. This particular process is generally repeated EACH time a new piece of personal information is declared bringing a feeling of vulnerability back to the surface.
The reason all of this is so important is because what people fail to realize is that “attachment” is the cause of most of the pain when relationships fail due to NOT taking the time to get to know someone BEFORE attaching physically. Granted, some people have more difficulty with emotional attachment and therefore need to reveal personal things about themselves very slowly and get some good feedback from a trusted friend, family member or professional. Bonding and attaching prematurely can cause all kinds of pain and if one understands themselves and a healthy process of relationships it does not have to happen.
Good luck and God Bless!
Dawn
Female - Age Range: 41-50
This can be a difficult area. First of all, both parties need to agree on the boundaries. Once this is clear, one of the couple can usually find a point for a 'break,' then not to pick up where they left off. I have also found that there is less temptation when in public or if others are present--another couple or children, perhaps. Snuggling is great! And I have found it possible to enjoy the closeness WITHOUT sex--even when sleeping together. The final solution & probably the best, is to ask The Lord for His help.
Blessings!! Grace126
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I attend a small Bible church which has our own K-12 school. No dating is allowed, and it works great, as they don't need to watch their peers date, in this environment. Later,most grads attend BJU, where only parlor dating is allowed. This lets them get to know one another across a cafe table, rather than in the back seat of a car.
The results? My church's divorce rate is about 2%, as opposed to that of 'the church' in general,which is about 52%.
What does this have to do with us older adults? I have decided to follow the same principles,in my dating!
I will meet the gentleman at the location of our date,
always in a public place. We will never be completely unsupervised.
Further,I will follow the principle of not 'pairing off' prematurely. That is, I will established a broad base of male friends, and never see any one man more than once per week, nor speak with him by telephone more than two times per week.
I believe that prematurely restricting oneself to dating only one man makes a woman too dependant upon that one man for her emotional well-being, and strongly influences her to overlook potential problems.
Also, dating more than one man lets each man know
he has some competition. If we find ourselves worrying about our competition, maybe we aren't trusting God as much as we should! (Do we want God's choice of a mate, or do we think we can make a better choice?)I believe God always gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him!
Another principle I expect my date to follow is that he should treat me just as he would want another man to treat his future wife. I will ask him, 'If your future wife is on a date with someone else, tonight, what do you want her to be doing? How do you want that man to treat your future wife? Do you want her to have done what you might be hoping I will do? I will show respect for my future husband by demanding respect for his future wife.'
One definition of wisdom is making today's decisions based on their effect on the future. When in doubt, that is the basic rule to follow.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I, too, found setting boundaries very difficult as a new Christian. My old way of behaving , and my new beliefs were in a very confusing place. I watched one of Dobson's videos which made it very clear.I showed this to my,then, boyfriend so he could get it from a male perspective.Eye to eye, eye to body,voice to voice,hand to shoulder, hand to waist , and hand to hair, kissing and hugging. Nothing was ever mentioned from neck to knee.So they that area is OUT OF BOUNDS!
If there is a problem with setting those as boundaries, then other boundaries in other areas will also be stepped over. If the respect for these boundaries are maintained then respect, determination, and fidelity will be more likely to determine the future of the relationship. I speak from one who broke all these and have never been married. Once the forbidden fruit is tasted then it is over!just like it was in the garden.....trust,honesty, and love can be broken just once, and like a cup that is broken,then glued together.... the crack is always there! From now on, I can be very clear about my expectations.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
The only practical thing I've found is claiming the text in Isaiah 54:5 and 6, Thy Maker is they Husband. I have found when I claim this in request to avoiding temptation or releasing frustration, the Lord has ,many times given physical relief to me. He can do anything by the power of His Holy Spirit. I don't see masturbation as a way out, that is not a holy alternative, and does more harm than good. This physical need for sexual release is something the Lord has to deal with us individually on, and it is the hardest area in reality to deal with. I have no answers, but a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and trust in Him.
Female - Age Range: 51-60
Well, first get to know the person by e-mail well even before you talk to them by phone. When each hears the other's voice, everything changes! Get through the hard stuff, possibly before talking to them. It slows down the process and you find out without breaking your heart whether they are worth it.
Guys say, 'But the sex is easier and I don't want to work on the communication stuff, because it's so difficult to deal with.' Guess what guys, life is made up totally of communication, not sex; nonverbal, verbal and tone of voice. Try to tell your boss that it isn't next time you go for a raise. So get with the program so you can get the goodies--sex. And, guys, I love sex, and I am making sure you are worth it before anyone gets it from me--married or not!!! Most of you aren't worth it I am finding out way ahead of time because you do not want to be vulnerable emotionally. Start learning right and left brain interaction and you will satisfy 90% of the women out there.
Secondly, depends on your age, your life experience, and a lot more things. Sexuality is not dirty, it is beautiful; God created it. So I am quite confused as to why this web site thinks that sex is so bad. One needs to be in a stable relationship to have sex in the wonderful loving way that God meant, mainly because our bodies are special, and respect for myself and my body for general healthy psychological purposes is much more important than some feeling that goes away in a few minutes. Feelings and attitudes about myself stay for a lifetime.
Thirdly, trying to give someone the guilt trip about sinning doesn't seem to be the right reason for not having sex before marriage. Anonymous
DollyD1:
Female - Age Range: 61-70
You may use my alias:
Some years ago after my preacher husband left for another, I dated very casually a much youger gent. We became much more like friends than prospective lovers. He knew my standards. As a precaution I always kept my children close by. I felt he wanted more than I did. I moved away from his area and some time later he was passing through where I lived. He found out my children had plans to be away for several hours. He showed his true coloros and whispered to me out of hearing of the children that he was going to finally 'have' me when they were gone. He was quite a large, strong fella and 10 years younger. I replied, 'NO WAY!'. He said, 'es Way'. I know if he chose to he could over power me and do what he had threatened. He was raised to be a good Christian. We had both been previously married. We both had Biblical grounds for Divorce. Neither of us wanted the Divorce, and both broken hearted with loss of our spouse. After years of being alone and comforting each other we had become very close friends. He had made weak attempts in past years. I had brushed if off as in jest. It had been brought up in a jesting manner. I had never really worried about it til this time when it looked we might spend time alone in a remote area. I just prayer Dear Lord, Take care of this matter. There is not much I can do if he is serious. I knew I could protest. With out some assistance I might not be able to make him keep his distance. Just before my children were to leave he was tired and took short nap on my couch. Shortly after they left he woke up doubled overin pain. It continued to get worse. I finally took him to emergency room and pain was severe. Turnned out he had some kidney stones.and had to spend several days in the hospital. In the meantime I called his mom, at his request because he would not be back home at expected time. Later I informed him of my prayer. His mother flew down to help him on his return trip. Told severl friends don't ever let me pray for them lest it end in painful results. We remained good friends a good many years after that. Even when he found someone in his area and got married. God has many ways which we know nothing of to answer our prayers.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
Dating the one you are going to marry, he or she has respect for each other and know when you say, 'NO!' You mean, 'NO!'.
Also, each person having the same morals about sex, abstinance before Marriage.
Female - Age Range: 61-70
Avoiding sexual contact before marriage.. shouldn't be a problem among CHRISTIAN men and women HOWEVER it seems to be no matter how old or young we are. Men seem to dwell on sex and some seem to think that women are out there just begging for it. Women are human beings and certainly do have feelings and urges and are very definitely tempted but most of us really want to be respected for the right to keep our private body parts private until marriage regardless of whether or not we have been married previously and regardless of age. Probably one of the best ways to date, may be to date in couples or in groups, church activities, singles ministries activities, a fair, or such until a commitment or special relationship is actually developing. Then perhaps a short engagement would make it easier with less pressure for the single private dating time. Keeping our bodies free from premarital sex is most desirable at least to me. Then two people can come together IN the act of MARRIAGE wth clear consciences, no guilt, no suspicion, no shame, no later regrets or fuel to throw in the face of the partner in the heat of a disagreement. Life is just too short and fragile to waste on anyone who cannot or will not have the decency to hold back on desire until it is acceptable to God and the humans involved. The word 'LUST' means, 'I am selfish, I want what I want right now when I want it regardles of your beliefs, feelings etc.' Marriage is honorable for all and the bed is undefiled...according to the Bible... So why not wait and see what blessings MARRIAGE has to offer without destroying it and each other in the process?
Male - Age Range: 21-30
As someone who has sadly gone down that road before being married, I have a few thoughts on the subject.
First and foremost, to all of you virgins, stay virgins. It's amazing how much some 'harmless sex' can ruin a relationship and mar the rest of your life. It's a horrible thing to live with, knowing that when I finally meet 'The One' that I'll have to tell her that I didn't wait for her.
Looking back on my experiences, there are many things I would do differently. There are practical things I would do, such as avoid being alone in secluded areas, or setting limits on how far you want to go. For us, it was kissing that started it all.
More importantly, I would talk with the person I was dating, explain why it is so important to me to wait until marriage, and ask her to honor my beliefs. This was something that never happened on either side, and as things got more physical neither of us had a foot to stand on. We each knew it was wrong, but we never worked it out between us.
Most importantly, have a solid relationship with God. If you are a bit on the rocks with Him, then that leaves you wide open for incoming attacks, and the Devil knows where your weak areas are. When I was dating, I had almost no relationship with God, so when sexual questions arose, I didn't have that connection to help me.
Male - Age Range: 21-30
The notion that it is bad for a Christian to have a sex drive is totally wrong and off-base. God created sex for us to enjoy and want. Whether ultra-conservative Christians want to believe it or not, it's true. Obviously with this gift comes responsibility. God created sex for us and our one and only partner. Take a deep study into Song of Solomon. It is probably the most erotic book I've ever read in my life (not just in the Bible). Sex should be enjoyed and desired but it should be with your husband or wife and should not rule your life. I recommend taking a look at anything Tommy Nelson has to say on this book. He's spent many years touring and writing books on this one short book of the Bible. If you are a Christian that feels I'm being sacriligeous, I encourage you to take a look at your walk and make sure you are not falling into the clutches of legalism. By no means am I implying that I don't have problems with legalism, lust, etc. However, I feel that I do know what God feels on the subject and in my life that's really all that matters.
Male - Age Range: 21-30
Premarital sex is a big mistake. One that I strongly wish I didn't make. I never had actual sexual intercourse, but did have monogamous sexual relations with my then-girlfriend.
I later became a Christian and she left be because of my beliefs.
Male - Age Range: 21-30
God had intended for us to have only one sexual partner in our lives. Even being engaged is not an excuse to have premartial sex, since the two may decide to break it off. If you read 2 Samuel 13, the story of Amnon raping Tamar, you will see the consequences of premarital sex. He hated her, lost his chance to be king of Isreal and was eventually murdered by Absalom.
Male - Age Range: 21-30
Controlling lust is a constant battle for many Christians. The New Testament tells of the problems the early Christians were having with sexual immorality. The problem has been with us from the beginning and has not left us today. I served as a Christian missionary for a year. During my time of service, two of my fellow missionaries confessed to having inappropriate sexual relations with co-workers. In my own life, I've struggled with lust ever since I was a child. Only recently have I discovered how to overcome through God's strength.
(1) First, I had to decide to deny myself access to anything that would excite lust. We are bombarded by sexually inappropriate material through the media: TV, magazines, movies, fiction, radio, the internet, etc. present us with a host of sexual temptations. I've seen Christian women as well as men, who should know better, devote time to entertainment that has as its sole aim the titilation of our sexual passions--many of the new reality TV shows are geared toward this end.
(2) Second, I had to come to understand the difference between sexuality as God had designed it and how it had been corrupted by sin. If you've ever had the heartbreaking experience of an unfulfilling one-night stand, then you know how far from the mark sexuality has fallen. If you've ever had the type of tender sexual intercourse which only two committed partners can enjoy, the type that is a pure expression of love, a true bonding experience, then you know that lust-driven sex doesn't hold a candle to it. It is important that we recognize how the object of our lust is an experience which is incomparably poorer than what God intended. It's a pale substitute. As the old advertising slogan reads: 'Accept no substitutes.'
(3) Third, I had to pray for victory when temptation came over me. Temptation will come. At first, it will come very strongly. With time, it may die down. Sometimes, it dies down only to come back again. However it works in your life, realize that the best way to fight temptation is to pray. When temptation takes a physical form, you must flee from it. If temptation takes the form of a person, you must avoid him/her. If, however, temptation takes the form of thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere, then prayer is your only defense. Like a lion, Satan seeks whom he may devour. He knows our weaknesses and exploits them while tempting us. We must be prepared to be beaten up spiritually. Satan will attack us. Sometimes, we will feel that it is impossible for us to avoid falling into sin. However, it is in these moments when we are at our weakest that we will learn about the strength of God. Resist temptation until the end. Pray for God to remove it. It may continue to assault you. This is what being tried in fire feels like. This is also what grace is all about. You can't possibly fight Satan and his angels, but God can. So, when you feel weak and beaten down, know that the enemy seeks to devour you. Know also that God has already defeated the enemy. The question is whether you will rely on your own strength or on God's.
(4) As far as dating is concerned, avoiding inappropriate sexuality is easy so long as you are committed to avoiding lust. Avoid passionate kissing, inappropriate touching, or provocative attire. This might sound harsh, but let's be honest. Do you want to put yourself in a situation in which you are engaging in foreplay if you do not want to have sex? Try to get to know your partner spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually before engaging in physicality. If you fall in love with your partner on these grounds, then you have a strong basis to develop a physical bond. If not, then a physical bond is probably something you should avoid anyways. It's a matter of common sense, when you think of it from this perspective.
(5) Finally, none of this advice will do you a wit of good, if you are not praying daily that God will give you a heart and mind like Jesus. If we are Christians, we are followers of Christ. While Christ was on earth, he ministered to those whose lives had been ruined by sin. Too many so-called Christians fail to resist temptation because their focus is on themselves and not on others who need their help. True ministry is to love the unloved, to heal the sick, to restore the broken-hearted, to help those in need. There is little time for lust when love takes over in your life.
May God bless you in your walk, as you walk by faith the unseen path.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
Marriage before sex is the best way for GOD, becouse in the bible GOD instruct us to stay away from sexual inmora. so marriage before sex is a blessing.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
Those who give you the very judgemental responses are probably married people. We all may have a struggle if we are single, Romans chapter 7 and 8:1-15. I have always felt that this passage is given to us especially as an answer for those who struggle with masturbation (NOT THE ACT OF HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON which is totally condemned by the Bible) Jesus said not all have the gift of continence, and though we know masturbation is sin, it's not necesarily sin of death IF we are having an honest struggle against it.
We all like sex and if we have had it before we all may miss it. I have the strong nature of a virile man, and regret I had sex before, but I have been many, many years without having 'sex before marriage', so I don't trust any woman for my future wife if she is willing to have it before marriage. BORN-AGAIN PEOPLE DON'T HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE OR IF ENGAGE.
I'm not sure why you use the 'AND' and not the 'BUT'. I also like it and miss it no less than you, BUT (NOT AND) I live (NOT JUST 'want to') as a christian.
Because for me the 'AND' is indulgence or doubt or double life, etc. (I'm not sure of what you mean), but the 'BUT' is self-denial, it's to die to the sinful nature (not to have sex before marriage) 'FOR I DELIGHT IN THE LAW OF GOD AFTER THE INWARD MAN' (Romans7:22)
Some tips:
1-Don't be huggy touchy at all before marriage (Not even a kiss).
2-Don't watch tv.
3-Don't use pornography or partake at all of any form of sex curiousity.
4-Pray about it.
5-Study the gospel.
6-Don't get too stressed.
7-Be frequently in the company of real christians. Be careful with some church leaders who are a stumbling stone with their exaple, they may cause the greater damage to people.
8-Be buzy with your hobbies and church activities.
9-Let God work in you.
10-Know that God is the ultimate source of pleasure and beauty:
Psamls 16:11; 27:4; 63:3 2Corinthians 3:18; John 1:14,4,3-5; Romans 7:22, etc.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
Yeah, don't get carried away talking about it. Also, ask yourself if it's something you would want your kids to know about, or if it would leave you in the best position to give of yourself to someone else in case it didn't work out. Everything has a consequence at one time or another...so are you willing to pay the price?
Male - Age Range: 41-50
Hug and kiss your friend if you want to, but make sure you are around friends, strangers,kids,or family. Don't be alone. Avoid quiet dark places on a date be in open public places. Have a plan once the date closes so that you don't linger.
Male - Age Range: 41-50
To all The Believers In God.
The best way to avoid sex before marriage is to not take thought for it. Sex is not Love. God is Love. Sex is an emotion of the Five Senses, and often, fulfilled by ones lust of the flesh. Sex is acceptable in marriage, for the purpose of procreation. To have sex outside of marriage is to fulfill a physical pleasure, which is not of God. If anyone is seeking God, they will not give thought or power to to having sex before marriage. Nor would they give in to its burning sensations to fulfill the lust of the five senses. Another way to avoid taking thought for sex is to 'Pray Without Ceasing'. For prayer changes things, even ones attitude about sex. As I said, sex is acceptable in marriage, here on earth, for the purpose of procreation. Other than that, sex is not acceptable, not even in Heaven. For in Heaven Men and woman are not given in marriage, nor are they married in Heaven. There is no such thing as sex in Heaven. Just as there are no such thing as physical flesh, or material things in Heaven. The Bible commands us to keep on Minds focused on Him, and not on the things of the flesh, or of this physical material world which will pass away and rot. Our affections are to be set on the things above and not on the things below. Sex, outside of marriage, should not be exercised in any way,shape, or form. Not even in thought. So, take no thought for sex. Give it no power to exist in your mind, heart and soul. But if you marry, then the husband will do every thing to please his wife, and the wife the husband. Any thing else is sin. Christians are to think on things that are good, honorable, and pleasing to God. To take thought for sex outside of marriage is seeking the things of the self. And that is not God's will for any of us. Having said this, I leave you to think on these things. Love Christianson.
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