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New for You! Dealing with Pressure to be Married
Description: How do deal with married friends who are either trying to pressure you into marriage or who make you feel guilty or judge you for still being single?
Categories: Dating, Pen Pals, Friends: Member Surveys
This Post has been viewed 5114 times.
Submitted by: Nannette | View Member Profile | View Other Posts
Created: 1/31/2003
We asked our members: How do deal with married friends who are either trying to pressure you into marriage or who make you feel guilty or judge you for "still being single"?
reba1784:
Female - Age Range: 18-20
You may use my alias. Marriage is not something that someone or someones need to pressure anyone into. It is not going to happen in their time. If you recall all things happen when God allows them to. When you have met that special someone that GOD has allowed you to be with then HE will take care of it. I believe good friends should realize this and just be happy for them.
Female - Age Range: 21-30
I know I get some pressure from my family to find a husband and father for my son. I appreciate my families’ advice about the gentleman I am interested in. So, I request feed - back from them time to time, since they can see things I may not be able to see.
BUT...I have been told once to change something about my lifestyle to make myself 'more wholesome' or 'attractive' to the gentleman I have interests in (i.e., no make up - cause he likes his woman to be 'natural', or to lose my ring- because he only thinks a wedding band in necessary.
I DO NOT believe we should ourselves for that 'someone special'. We should change ourselves ONLY because we have put that object or security BEFORE our Creator and it has created a wall between Him and our salvation.
Come 'as is', and He will change you as He sees fit.
'Those who live in the past or present miss the opportunities of the future.'
Female - Age Range: 21-30
Remember that you don't want to rush into anything, and need to be absolutely certain that the person you are contemplating marriage with is definitely the one you want to be with for the rest of your life.Tell them that they shouldn't pressure you into something that could ultimately have a negative effect on the rest of your life if you end up rushing the wrong marriage.God should be guiding your life not your friends.
Female - Age Range: 21-30
Dump them!!
Toni4819:
Female - Age Range: 31-40
'You may use my alias'
I believe that everyone should be a whole single person before they ever get in a relationship. If you're out there looking for someone to make you happy, they will fail miserably. Thats too much responsibility to put on someone else. I have several friends who ask me 'When are you going to settle down and get married?'. My standard answer is usually 'Been there, done that'. Marriage is not for everyone. I do believe that I was meant to be married. But I got too impatient waiting for God to bring me my soul mate, that I settled for less. Guess what, it didn't last. I am patiently waiting for God to deliver him to me. Not Mr Perfect, but Mr Right for Me. While I am single, I am doing things that I would not be able to do if I were married. I hang out with friends, go dancing, take impromptu road trips, etc. When you're married you have someone else to consider before doing these things. Why rush into something that you're not sure is sent from God?
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I'll likely never forget the day several relatives asked me if I was lesbian. I was tearful & a long talk ensued about how I view relationships & about the wonderful male friendships I've had through the years. I cut them a lot of slack, as they are not Christian anymore. The reason, I don't view the whole relationship scene like the world does is that dating and one night stands are not what God intended for us. I explained that my life, including my social life is 100% in God's hands.
My mother a few years back, kept saying she 'wished I could be happy & be married.'. To this I replied, 'Mom, I am happy. I don't know why you would think otherwise. God's blessed me with an incredible job, home, garden, an active lifestyle & ministry, & abundant friends around the world.' Shortly thereafter, I wrote her a letter explaining that through the years, her pressure for me to marry had actually pushed us so far apart. I explained how I view meeting people in groups and growing friendships with Christ as part of the picture. Our relationship was so far apart from the years of pressure that I explained we needed start at the beginning getting to know each other as strangers would. I asked her respect me as a grown adult peer. I also forgave her for the past and closed the letter with the words, your prayers are all I ask for. We don't need to discuss this. I invited her to join me in prayer that God would in His way and His time, bring a God fearing, wonderful man into my life. To this day, we have never talked about that letter. However, she did one day call to tell me she was praying for me.
Today, my mother's & my relationship is growing as we respect each other as peers. We're still working on the friendship aspect. My prayer is that by sharing my story, others will be blessed.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
For more than 10 years now I have been repeatedly asked why I am not married? I took it all with a sense of humour and came up with a simple light-hearted response. But eventually it wears on my nerves, particularly as the person asking looks at me with pity or bewilderment.
I appreciate the efforts of my married friends trying to set me up with blind dates, but I will not choose a partner simply to be married. If there is no chemistry I will not consider having a relationship. I point out to my married friends how happily married they are because they chose carefully, and I would like that happiness as well. I also tell them that being single gives me more time to progress in my career, which is very rewarding. The ones closer to me have stopped pressuring me, but they are still trying to set me up.
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I tell them that I would much rather be single for the rest of my life than to be in a bad relationship. If and when the right person comes into my life, I will make that decision and not rush things with someone that isnt right!
Female - Age Range: 31-40
I do not have any friends that are married that pressure or judge me for not being married. Everyone did not find the Mr. Right and the LORD must provide that someone when he does come into your life.
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I have a good responce for married friends. I just say go ahead and good luck. That helps them realize that I am not against marriage. To tell you the truth I have not had bothersome people in my life and that is a blessing. There are some people who are married and don't seem to be comfortable around single people. For each of us we need to be comfortable with our situation and know that God is leading in our lives. That is important and if He is the head of your life than all these problems can be worked through.
God bless,
smilecmm
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I have been divorced for a great number of years now, but I feel extremely pressurised to get married from my own point of view only. Most of my closest brothers and sisters in Christ are married and I do feel like the 'odd one out', especially when it comes to some social functions such as dinner parties, weekend retreats, etc. Of course that is not a reason to get married. Since God redeemed me from my past life, I have come to understand the significance of marriage in relation to the relationship we should have with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I first need to Love the Lord with my heart, seek the Kingdom of God and He will grant me the desires of my heart. Amen!
Female - Age Range: 41-50
I'm 50 years young.
I married for the first time at age 29. I must admit that although I loved my former husband, I did marry partly because of subtle pressure from my immediate and
church family.
Married people including my parents would make subtle(and some not so subtle!) remarks about me 'not waiting
too long to marry'.(as if there were a
time limit to do so).
I had major guilt which at the time I didn't know how to handle. Also, because I suffered from low self-esteem and 'eager to please' issues,
I responded by marrying somebody that
I loved but honestly, not well enough to be married.
I should not have married.
I regret that I didn't follow my instincts and wait until God provided my mate instead of 'leaning unto my
own understanding'
Now, I suppose since I've proved that I've been married, no one mentions that I should be married.
But now even if there were family/church family pressure, I'd handle it much better.
I definately wouldn't allow anyone to pressure me
or guilt trip me into making a hasty, regrettable decision by telling them nicely and politely that
'God will provide my needs and when that need is
provided, I'll definately let you know so that you
can rejoice with me'.
Then I'll change the subject
to praise Him for my and that person's current
blessings.
That's how I would handle any pressure now!
Female - Age Range: 51-60
Just say NOOOOOO!!! to nosy friends and family!! just say a firm Noooooo! and move on to greener pastures much deeper life issues than that for heavens sakes!!! grrrrrr........
Female - Age Range: 51-60
I would really like to have someone to share my life with but it has to be the person that God has planned for me. I have a friend that tells me that there are worse things than being single but for the friends who might pressure me I just tell them that God has a plan for my life and in His time He will show me what that plan is and who He has planned for me to be with.
JoshK:
Male - Age Range: 21-30
You may use my alias.
Married friends? Try grandmothers in a hurry to have great-grandkids!
I do have a number of married friends, but few if any of them really pressure me on the issue. To people who do say anything, I just remind them it's better to be single than marry the wrong person, and they usually agree with me. Good things come to those who wait (upon the Lord).
Male - Age Range: 31-40
I get asked by friends, family, and church people. 'When are you going to get married?' That used to be a difficult question. Usually I answer 'When I believe the benefits of marriage, outweigh that of single life'. Mostly I treat it as a rhetorical question. Having a good mix of friends who aren't focused or concerned with that is what works best.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
It really doesnt bother me ....I have a strong oppinion of my own.
Male - Age Range: 31-40
Why does it have to be others that are providing the pressure? Why can't it be yourself? God has given me a spiritual gift of serving. The most intimate human relationship possible is between a husband and wife. I am a 39 year old male, and my heart cries out to serve a future wife. My heart also cries out to have a daughter, yet time is running out. How do I deal with this kind of pressure?
Matt633:
Male - Age Range: 41-50
You may use my alias
How do I deal with friends who judge me for 'still being single'? Mostly with a lot of patience and open-mindedness.
This is a little bit of a pet peeve with me but it seems that the general attitude of a lot of married Christians out there is that marriage automatically qualifies them as experts in all relationships. Sure, married people can give a valuable perspective on a number of issues relating to dating, marriage and what it means to have a Christian marriage. Married people can also give a more objective evaluation of someone whom we might be interested in and give us advice on things that we would never think of. But what a lot of people don't seem to understand is that single people can be very different from them as well as from each another. Can a married person (or couple) really relate to and give valuable advice to someone out of there age bracket or from a substantially different background? I obviously can't stereotype all married believers, but some of the advice I've heard from some couples is almost frightening. It can also be quite offensive sometimes. One of the most common problems I've come across is the shallowness of the advice I sometimes hear. I can't remember how many times I've heard someone recommend that I get involved with someone merely on the basis of how she looked. They know nothing of her committment to Christ or her background or her personality but they don't see how their advice sounds until I start bringing up the things I mentioned above. Another good one is when I hear a married person say that they only found someone when they committed themselves totally to Christ. Gee, thanks. I guess the Apostle Paul wasn't totally committed to his Savior. Fortunately I am in a church that is very accepting of brethren whatever marital status they are. Regarding people who are downright offensive in their attitude towards me (even though they aren't aware of it) I think that patiently talking with them (or him or her) is probably the best way to handle the situation. Try to get them to understand what being single is like (especially if you are in your thirties, forties, or fifties) as a Christian. I think it's also important to point out to them that judging people on the basis of married versus not married cannot be supported in Scripture and is therfore a sin. Do this gently but firmly and I think that the results may surprise you. Also, just as important, is to make sure to listen to them. Even though they may be 95% wrong with respect to their attitude about you (and probably singleness in general) they may just say something that you or I haven't heard of before and make a lot of sense.
I hope some of this was helpful
God bless
Male - Age Range: 51-60
Don't ever feel pressured into getting married. You are much better off not marrying, than to do so without the right conditions for you. If your 'friends', married or not are pressuring you, it may be time to look for new friends that can accept you as you are, without regard to height, weight, color and marital status. If you are in a relationship where you feel pressured to get married, back off some. If that doesn't take the pressure off, maybe you will have to completely back off until you have walked away from the situation. As painful and hard as it may be, it can be much better than the alternative. Choose to do what is good and positive for you.
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